you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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