At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize