Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
