My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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