Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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