i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
farters have to be the big spoon...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
