its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Randomize
