Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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