history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
