she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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