Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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