Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Drake has all the answers
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
