my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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