it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
