I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
