My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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