did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
