ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize