went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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