I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
