Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
