did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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