Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I am one with the molecules
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
