If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
