My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
