I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
