Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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