I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
