I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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