bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
My penis needs a shock collar
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
