I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
