So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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