Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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