does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
