and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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