i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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