You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
