This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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