I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
