im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
