I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
