I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
