you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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