and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
