I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
