So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
