I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
