the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
