And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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