All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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