By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
