It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Buhtt sex?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
