I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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