I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
