Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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