Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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